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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #1
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    Joke of the day

    Before we got moved there was a joke of the day thread what about starting again!

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    Re: Joke of the day

    cost of land!

  3. #3
    Senior Member T P's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

    He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the
    sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

    The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

    We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie
    for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

    The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the
    Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

    The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

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    Re: Joke of the day

    A guy rang the Daily Post advertising section: how much do you charge for placing an advert in the for sale section,18 an inch sir,o dear that's expensive, why sir what do you want to sell,a twenty foot ladder he replied.

  5. #5
    Senior Member WoodenHead's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What's the matter son?
    I only got a B for my biology practical Dad.
    A B is ok, what's wrong with that?
    But everyone else got a frog to cut up

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    Re: Joke of the day

    A women takes her dog to the vets. She says to the vet that her dog is deaf. The vet examines the dog and finds lots of fur in its ears.The vet tells the women to go into the chemist on the way home and buy some hair removal cream, and it will cure it.

    The women calls into the chemist and asks for some hair removal cream. The chemist asks if it is for her arm pits, and if it is, to avoid shaving for a week. No replies the women.

    So the chemist asks if it is for her legs, and if it is, keep out of the sun for a few days. The women says, no, it is for my Schnauzer. In that case says the chemist, don`t ride your bike for a week

  7. #7
    Senior Member Slim shiny's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    "Dear Jim,
    Please could you fix it for me to go on 'It's a knockout'"


    Edit by b slicker.

    I have left this to show what sort of post is not acceptable on this forum. The whole sorry episode has caused immense disappointment and hurt to many folk and is certainly not a suitable subject for jokes.
    Last edited by b slicker; 06-05-13 at 12:10 PM.

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    Member Alex.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    If only it was as simple...
    http://youtu.be/_pDTiFkXgEE

  9. #9
    Senior Member Slim shiny's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Did you hear about the magic tractor???
    It turned into a field!

  10. #10

    Re: Joke of the day

    I've written a novel for frustrated farmers wives.

    It's called '50 Sheds of Hay'.

  11. #11

    Re: Joke of the day

    "Err....I'm sorry lads," I said after beating the shit out of two foreign blokes. "But the beards, the rucksacks, the strange language. I thought you'd said Taliban."

    "No," said a bloodied Meredydd and Maldwyn. We said we're Tal-y-Fan mountain rescue."

  12. #12

    Re: Joke of the day

    Tory MP Nigel Evans has been questioned by the police after being accused of raping two men.

    I don't know why there's such a fuss......they've already buggered the rest of the country.

    Ps Sorry if you think this isn't appropriate

  13. #13
    Senior Member Slim shiny's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Probably!

  14. #14
    Senior Member Mog's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    No good will come of it. Look what happened to British Farming when all those Grey Fergies were retired.....

  15. #15
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers.

    Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.



  16. #16
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A new farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells .........him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his lorry, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in the lorry again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for good measure brings them back and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day sheep shagging and upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    "No," she says,......
    "they’re all in the lorry ... and one of them is beeping the horn.

  17. #17
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A message for female Hippies:


    Grow your own dope.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Plant a man.

  18. #18
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I asked the librarian if they had any books on coincidences.

    She said yes, actually there was one just came in this morning.

  19. #19
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    Re: Joke of the day

    My missus bought a paperback
    In Asda, Saturday.
    I had a look inside the bag -
    'Twas "Fifty Shades of Grey".

    Well I just left her to it, see,
    And went off up to bed.
    An hour later, she appeared
    Oh, the sight filled me with dread.

    In her hand she held a rope,
    The other, held a whip.
    She brandished them around a bit
    And then began to strip.

    Well, forty years ago
    I might have had a peek.
    But Doris hasn't weathered well -
    She's sixty-eight next week.

    Watching Doris bump and grind
    Couldn't be much grimmer.
    And things progressed from bad to worse -
    She toppled off her Zimmer .

    She struggled back up to her feet
    A good half hour later,
    Put her teeth back in and said
    That I must dominate her.

    Now if you knew our Doris, see,
    You'd know just why I cringed.
    I'd been two months in traction, 'cos
    My hips and knees unhinged.

    She stood there nude. All naked, like,
    Bent forward quite a bit
    and, jumping back in fright, I went
    And stood on her left t*t.

    Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
    My word. What HAD I done ?
    She moaned and groaned then shouted out
    "Step on the OTHER one"

    Well reader, I can tell no more
    About what occurred that day.
    Suffice to say, my dark brown hair,
    Turned fifty shades of grey.

    Black and blue, battered too,
    With wanton, wild perversion,
    We decided that a night of sin
    Was scarce worth such exertion.

    Thank Heavens she has binned the book
    And peace reigns, like before.
    She's head to toe in winceyette
    And back to back, we snore.


  20. #20
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    My mate crashed his ice cream van.

    He got whippylash.

  21. #21
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

    There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

    A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

    'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

    The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

    'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

    The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
    You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

    The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.

    The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

    The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

    'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

    The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
    'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

    'I can't piss out of it,' he replied

  22. #22
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fifer View Post
    I asked the librarian if they had any books on coincidences.

    She said yes, actually there was one just came in this morning.
    I asked the librarian if they had any books for men with very small "tools",she said I'm not sure if its in yet,yes that's the one I said !

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    Black Angus Bull

    Recently I spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus Bull.
    I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and didn't even look at a cow.
    Perhaps I had paid more for the bull than he was worth.

    Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
    He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young,
    so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    Within two days the bull had serviced all my cows!
    He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!
    Wow, he's just like a machine!

    I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him
    . . . . . . but they kind of taste like peppermint.

  25. #25
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    You just can't tell jokes to kleptomaniacs...

    They always take things, literally.

  26. #26
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Rang the council today to see if I can have a skip outside my house.

    He said you can cartwheel around the block for all I care!

  27. #27
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    Re: Joke of the day

    An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

  28. #28
    Member Boothy's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    An octopus walks into a bar and says to the landlord I can play any instrument you like!! An Englishman gives him a guitar and he plays it like Hendrix. An Irishman gives him a piano and he plays it like Elton. A Scotsman throws him a set of Bagpipes. The octopus fumbles and the Scotsman asks "Whats the matter can ye no play it?? The octopus replies "Play it? I'm going to have sex with her once I get her pyjamas off!!"

  29. #29
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    Wink Re: Joke of the day

    Question: What did the inflatable Head Teacher say to the inflatable Boy! In the inflatable School?

    Answer: You've let me down, and you've let yourself down. But worst of all you've let the School down!!

  30. #30
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged a bottle of Liquid Paper.

    I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

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