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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #241
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A recent study has shown that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

  2. #242
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Bald Rick View Post
    • The family wheeled Grandma out onto the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right. A short time later, she started leaning off to the left, so again, the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon, she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up. A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?" Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."


  3. #243
    Senior Member deere2140's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Q. What's the best weight for a mother-in-law?

    A. 2lbs 8 oz , including the urn .
    The views posted are mine and not those of my employers

  4. #244
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    Re: Joke of the day

    FIFA report clears FIFA of corruption
    Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

  5. #245
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Teacher asked the year 1 class what they saw on the way to school this morning. Jimmy pipes up. 'I saw the bull ****ing the brown cow Miss'.

    'Jimmy, that's very rude' says the teacher, ' please don't say that again'.

    Next morning she asks the same question. Jimmy pipes up again. 'I saw the bull ****ing the brown cow again Miss'.

    'Jimmy, that's very rude' says the teacher, 'you should have said 'the bull surprised the brown cow'.

    Jimmy takes note.

    Next morning she asks the same question and Jimmy pipes up again. 'Miss, I saw the bull surprising the brown cow'.

    'Very good, that's much better' says the teacher.

    'Yes' says Jimmy, 'he was ****ing the white one instead'

  6. #246
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    Re: Joke of the day

    WIFE VS. HUSBAND

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.


    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and


    neither of them wanted to concede their position.


    As they
    passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,


    the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'


    'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

  7. #247
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Tesco Inverurie (Wednesday)

    Inverurie, Aberdeenshire



    Posted on the notice board 8 days ago




    Description

    You were the tall brunette with the near perfect body that farted in the bread section last night. I was the tall guy next to you that looked over and asked, "Was that you?" You quickly replied "No it wasn't me!" You almost seemed insulted I would ask. As the stink grew you continued to deny your flatulance, but it was evident. I tried to get rid of the stench by waving two loafs of bread around. You proceeded to storm off in an angry manner. You are beautiful and even if you are a liar and fart like a Clydesdale, I'd love to meet up.
    Silos, tanks, - and much more! www.mickmoor.co.uk

  8. #248
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
    >
    > However, late that night as she was drifting off to sleep she heard howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs, and found the dogs locked together,unable to disengage, as happens when dogs mate.
    >
    > Perplexed as to what to do next, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
    >
    > Having explained the problem to him, the vet then said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
    >
    > "Do you think that will work?" she asked.
    >
    > "Just worked on me," he replied.

  9. #249
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Sean Connery was injured when a pile of books fell on him.


    But he's only got his shelf to blame.

  10. #250
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
    attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
    profanity. John tried and tried to
    change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
    soft music and anything else he could
    think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
    back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his
    hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
    freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
    onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you
    with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
    fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
    his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    And you thought there were no clean jokes left!

  11. #251
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by john maddock View Post
    A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad
    attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

    Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with
    profanity. John tried and tried to
    change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
    soft music and anything else he could
    think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

    Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
    back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his
    hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

    For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
    Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

    Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
    freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
    onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you
    with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I
    fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

    John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

    As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
    his behaviour, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

    And you thought there were no clean jokes left!
    😁😁😁
    Excellent......... and very seasonal too.

  12. #252
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Ulscots View Post
    😁😁😁
    Excellent......... and very seasonal too.
    I'm pleased you enjoyed it! It's been passed around Aus for a long time - was a bit concerned everyone had already heard it!

    JV

  13. #253
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A middle-aged couple are off for a weekend away to de-stress. On the 1st morning the husband is up 1st and away down for the breakfast, so he's tucking in and she comes down.........

    Wife "What do you think you're doing tucking into an Ulster fry in your condition sure the Dr told you your cholesterol was sky high!"

    Husband "Aye but the dentist said bacon 'n' soda was good for my teeth!"

    "THAT'S BAKING SODA YOU PLANK!" she gowled.

  14. #254
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Deductions from off Grain Merchants ?

  15. #255
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    Re: Joke of the day

    There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn, when she came upon a large pile of fresh manure produced by the stock bull. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out. She ate ...... and ate ... and then .... she ate some more! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas ...she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground. She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution! She realised that if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again. So, she painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor...Dead fly...The moral of this sad story?

    Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of bull!

  16. #256
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    Re: Joke of the day

    In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
    After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.
    Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
    "Well, sir, I won the Sword of Honour at Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
    I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
    Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f*** off."

  17. #257
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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  18. #258
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    Re: Joke of the day

    "How's the flat you're living in in London, Sandy?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
    "It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
    "Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
    "Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."
    Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.

  19. #259
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Farmer John had the inspiration to collect tractors, after restoring an FE35. As the years went by he gathered an enormous collection. Some he restored to concourse condition, others he never quite got a round tuit.

    But he was not happy; the tractor collecting bug had worked its way out of his system, as he explained to his neighbour.

    A few weeks later, the neighbour woke early to the noise of trucks and men talking loudly, and was astonished to see the first of Farmer John's tractors being loaded. All day the tractor moving went on, until finally, just on dusk, the last one left. Farmer John called his neighbour to join him at the local for a pint.

    As they entered, it was clear that this was no "No smoking" venue; the place was thick, so thick they could barely see the bar only a few steps away. Quietly, Farmer John began to breath in and out, ever more deeply, until, after a last very deep exhale, he took an enormous, long, slow breath in.

    Almost magically, the smoke in the pub cleared. The neighbour - not to mention the bar patrons - looked at Farmer John in astonishment. Before they had a chance to speak, he simply said "Easy. I'm an ex tractor fan".

    JV

  20. #260
    Senior Member Mog's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.
    The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"

  21. #261
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    Wink Re: Joke of the day


  22. #262
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Little Johnny strikes again


    Ed Milliband was visiting a London primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.



    The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.




    So the illustrious leader of the Labour Party asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'




    A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'




    'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'




    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'




    'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.




    The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.




    'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'




    Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
    'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'




    'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'




    'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

  23. #263
    Senior Member grassmanman's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day


  24. #264
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call an Irishman who steals your beer?






    Nick McGuinness...

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    Re: Joke of the day

    What time does a China man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty

    What time does his brother go? Tooth hurty too.

  26. #266

  27. #267
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

    Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
    sale, he bought them and wore them home.

    Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
    "Notice anything different about me?"

    Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
    back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

    Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
    different NOW?"

    Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
    down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
    tomorrow!"

    Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
    MARGARET?"

    "Nope", she replied.

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

    Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.





    Shoulda bought a hat."

  28. #268
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    Post Re: Joke of the day

    Two potatoes talking and one says 'If you could be anybody, who would you like to be?'

    'I'd like to be Des Lynam'

    'Don't be stupid, you're a King Edward..... he's only a common tater'



  29. #269
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A young Scottish farmer excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says "Just for fun Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and yoiu try to guess which one I'm going to marry".

    The mother agrees.

    The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says "Ok Ma guess which one I am going to marry".

    She innedately replies "The one in the middle".

    "That's amazing Ma, how did you know"?

    "I don't like her"!

  30. #270
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    Re: Joke of the day

    First-year students at the Purdue Veterinary School were attending their

    first anatomy class with a real dead Cow. They all gathered around the

    Surgery table with the body covered with a White sheet.

    The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it

    Is necessary to have two important qualities as a Doctor".

    "The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the

    Animal's' Body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,

    Stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger

    In his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his Students.

    The Students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but

    Eventually took Turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead

    Cow and sucking on it.



    When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The

    Second Most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle

    Finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's

    Tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."



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