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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #31
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Things I've learned from my children:
    1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-sq. ft. house fourinches deep.
    2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.
    3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
    4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enoughto rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It isstrong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all fourwalls of a 20x20 ft. room.
    5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using aceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you geta hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
    6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by aceiling fan.
    7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's alreadytoo late. (No matter how old the child!)
    8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
    9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year oldman says they can only do it in the movies.
    10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.
    11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
    12. Super glue is forever.
    13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walkon water.
    14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
    15. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show theydo.
    16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
    17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
    18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
    19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not likeovens.
    20. The fire department in Austin, TX, has a 5-minute response time.
    21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
    22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
    23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
    24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful.
    First grade... true story:

    One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigsto her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was tryingto accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "..And so thepig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said,"Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build myhouse?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do youthink that man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said, "Ithink he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!' The teacher was unable to teach forthe next 10 minutes.

    25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid

  2. #32

    Re: Joke of the day

    For those that don't know Clorox is sodium hypochlorite bleach like Domestos. Now where did I put the brake fluid?

  3. #33
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Tonym View Post
    For those that don't know Clorox is sodium hypochlorite bleach like Domestos. Now where did I put the brake fluid?
    It really does go with a bang http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaYKCtbj4YM

    Try Chlorine and Milk as well!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7JHNM6wRCI

  4. #34
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A city in South Yorkshire disappeared off the map earlier today.

    It's a complete mystery, and the Police are still looking for Leeds.



    And just as baffling, vandals broke into the Police Station toilets yesterday and smashed all the lavatory bowls.
    A police spokesman admitted they have nothing to go on.

  5. #35
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    Re: Joke of the day

    if they are looking in south yorks they will never find it

  6. #36
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by bobt View Post
    if they are looking in south yorks they will never find it
    I am not responsible for the inadequacies of the West Riding Police. I am just reporting things as they are.

  7. #37
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by b slicker View Post
    I am not responsible for the inadequacies of the West Riding Police. I am just reporting things as they are.
    And the West Riding Constabulary disappeared in 1964

  8. #38
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Courier View Post
    And the West Riding Constabulary disappeared in 1964
    OK, I give up. . It was just a joke. Leeds hasn't actually disappeared.

    So any police involvement was purely hypothetical.


    But they still have nothing to go on.

  9. #39
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    Re: Joke of the day

    "No we're 3-0up, and woakes and kerrigan get the game ahead of tremlett, finn and bairstow!" or smith and watson would've scored a ton had bresnan , onions or tremlett been bowling first change.... ok cricket rant over....it's been a good summer if this is my biggest worry tonight

  10. #40
    Senior Member Mog's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Apparently, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans

  11. #41
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Mog View Post
    Apparently, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans
    If your father couldn't have children, neither can you.

  12. #42
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Mog View Post
    Apparently, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in your jeans
    Noses run in my family!!

  13. #43
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by b slicker View Post
    I am not responsible for the inadequacies of the West Riding Police. I am just reporting things as they are.
    true story, a few years ago the chemical works in Knottingly had a huge leak, West Yorks police checked the wind was a westerly. then evacuated everyone in the WEST side, without telling anyone on the east side.

  14. #44
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    Re: Joke of the day

    farmworker bill was enjoying a pint sitting outside the 3 horseshoes when along comes his old mate ted on a shiny new bicycle.
    here ted says bill . where did you get that bike?. well bill i,ll get a drink and tell ee.
    tis like this, i was walking down the lane past farmer palmers hay ricks when along comes this beautiful girl on this bike. lovely figure wearing them tight breeches. she stops and says to me ,come over here . so i did.
    then she wheels her bike over to the hayrick and i followed her. she leans her bike against the rick and lays on the ground. come here she says. so i lie down beside her.well next thing bill she takes off her breeches and says , take what you want, and thats how i come by this bicycle.
    well ted says bill , those breeches would never have fitted you anyway.

  15. #45
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Its wonderful how many of these wont work in my own language but are f*king funny in english. Please dont stop
    Check my dairy management software! http://www.naka.fi/download/naka.exe

  16. #46
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fifer View Post
    You just can't tell jokes to kleptomaniacs...

    They always take things, literally.
    Actually,

    I asked the librarian if they had any books on kleptomaniacs.

    She said no, actually the last one was stolen in the morning.
    Check my dairy management software! http://www.naka.fi/download/naka.exe

  17. #47
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Fifer View Post
    You just can't tell jokes to kleptomaniacs...

    They always take things, literally.
    I suffer from C.D.O. Some call it O.C.D. Obsessive–compulsive disorder. But I am intent that the letters should always be in alphabetical order.

  18. #48
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

    Cliff!

  19. #49
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    Re: Joke of the day

    what do you call a man with a spade on his head?

    Doug!

  20. #50
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    Re: Joke of the day

    what do you call a man with tree on his head?

    Edward!!

  21. #51
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a man with 3 trees on his head?

    Edward Woodward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  22. #52
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a man in uniform pointing a rifle at you?

    Sir.

  23. #53
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a man with a pile of leaves on his head ?

    Russell.

  24. #54
    Senior Member Sam_TM's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by jerseycowsman View Post
    what do you call a man with a spade on his head?

    Doug!
    what do you call a man without a spade on his head?

    Douglas!
    British Farming Forum on Facebook - www.facebook.com/groups/BritishFarmingForum

  25. #55
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call an Irish man with a plate glass window behind each ear

    Paddy O'Doors

  26. #56
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call the top two snipers in the Irish Army???

    Rick O'Shea and Eamon.
    In God we trust. ALL others pay CASH!!!!!

  27. #57
    Senior Member Gareth Bryson's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Uncle Bill is much improved
    Since he's had his balls removed
    Living now without desire
    He sits at home and pokes the fire
    In God we trust. ALL others pay CASH!!!!!

  28. #58
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Sam_TM View Post
    what do you call a man without a spade on his head?

    Douglas!
    What do you call a man with no ears and no spade on his head?

    Lug-less, Douglas!!

  29. #59
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a lady with one leg shorter than her other.


    Eileen




    what do they call her sister

    Noelene

  30. #60
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    B&Q JOB APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny....


    NAME:
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX:
    Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

    DESIRED POSITON:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY:
    £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION:
    Yes.

    LAST POSITON HELD:
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY:
    A lot less than I’m worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING:
    It was a crummy job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
    Any.

    PRFFERRPD HOURS:
    1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
    I think the more appropriate question here would be - Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITON?:
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?:
    On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
    Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE?:
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
    Oh yes. absolutely.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    After landing my new job as a B & Q Greeter - a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day . . . . .
    About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly,
    "Good morning and welcome to B & Q."
    I then said,
    "Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

    The woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
    "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?"

    I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice.... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."

    My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

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