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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #61
    Senior Member Mog's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I went to B&Q the other day and was looking round the garden DIY section when this old bloke in the uniform asked if I wanted decking. Luckily I managed to get the first punch in.

  2. #62
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a man with no ears ?

    Anything you like - he will never know

  3. #63
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What do you call a woman who can juggle three pints of lager?

    Beartrix.

  4. #64
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    Re: Joke of the day


    (This is for you old folks, I.e.,anyone over (or close to) 50 is eligible!
    )

    An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

    His wife, seeing the unexpected b_ehaviour, asks, Where are you going?'
    He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

    She says, 'Why, are you sick?'
    He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

    Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
    He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?
    She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

    He says, 'Why, what do you need?'
    She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

  5. #65
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I have just returned from the hospital after a bowl of herbs I was carrying in the garden blew into my face.

    The doctor has told me that I am now parsley sighted.

  6. #66
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles...

    My next s**t could spell disaster!

  7. #67
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    Re: Joke of the day

    2 local lads were arrested yesterday, one for stealing old lead acid batteries and the other for stealing fireworks........

    The PSNI charged one and let the other off.

  8. #68
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Maggie, a blonde Irish girl, marries a New Zealand sheep farmer.

    One morning, on his way out to check on the stock, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today.


    I drove a nail into the rail above her stall in the barn. You show him where the sheep is when he gets here, OK?'

    So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

    After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

    Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of ewes and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

    Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
    'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the one to be bred?'

    That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.

    Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
    She turn walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......

    'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'




  9. #69
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Nelson Mandella is at home watching tely and drinking beer when he hears a knock on the door,
    when he opens it he is confronted by a little chinese man clutching a clip board and yelling "you sign! you sign!"
    behind him is an enormous truck full of car parts, Nelson is standing there in complete amazement " I have not ordered this", the Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says "You not Nissan Main Deala?"

  10. #70
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A farming family put their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

    She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Mother, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

    "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

  11. #71
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    Re: Joke of the day

    The guy pulls up at the traffic lights next to a stunning woman.he smiles at her and winds down his window.she smiles back and winds her window down.guy then says" have you farted as well".

  12. #72
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    Re: Joke of the day

    bloke wals into a bar, goes up to the barman and orders two large whiskies . he drinks one and tips the other in the top pocket of his jacket .
    same again please barman and he does the same, downs one ,tips the other in his pocket. this goes on a couple more times and curiosity gets the better of the barman and he asks, " why do you drink one whisky and tip the other in your pocket?" before the man can answer a mouse sticks his head out of the coat pocket and says" mind your own bloody business mate!"

  13. #73
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    In an American hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied..


    A nurse noticed his predicament.

    Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

    Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.

    Who would know if he touched them?

    He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
    What a nice feeling, he thought.
    Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

    Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

    When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

    When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

    "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

    "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

  14. #74
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    Re: Joke of the day


    Subject: POLITICALY CORRECT

    A woman went to her doctor for advice.

    She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex,
    and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

    "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked. "Actually, yes, I do" she said.
    ''Does it hurt you", he asked? "No. I rather like it!"

    ''Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you
    shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
    take care not to get pregnant."

    The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"
    "Of course", the doctor replied. "Where do you think politicians come from?"

  15. #75
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I said to my very short butcher; "I bet 5 you can't reach the T-Bone up on the top shelf"
    "No, the steaks are far too high" he replied.

  16. #76
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by CountryManRob View Post
    I said to my very short butcher; "I bet 5 you can't reach the T-Bone up on the top shelf"
    "No, the steaks are far too high" he replied.
    I asked the butcher if I could have a mince round

    He replied - Carry on, but try not to bump into the other customers

  17. #77
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I went into the butcher and he was standing in front of the radiator.

    I said is that your Ayrshire bacon?

    He replied no I am just warming my back?

    Gedditt?

  18. #78
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    Re: Joke of the day

    The horse came galloping towards me, the sun glistening off the rider's armour, helmet and lance, which I realised was aimed at my head.

    I quickly took off the knight-vision goggles...

  19. #79
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

    Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

    Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

    Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
    She too shares the wine.

    Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is
    a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
    They have a second home in Portugal .

    Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial
    investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

    Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

    Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

    Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.
    They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

    Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


  20. #80
    Senior Member Bald Rick's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Re: The man from North Wales (No, it is NOT me) caught recently having sex with a Land Rover Discovery ....


    I hear he moved on to lorries but has tested recently HGV positive

  21. #81
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a
    Sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching
    for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a
    grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then
    he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is Being played
    backward!

    Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
    By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time
    it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

    Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they Return with
    the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

    The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
    Order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

    By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the
    grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.*

    Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the Group. Someone in
    the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

    I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says. "He's decomposing."

  22. #82
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Police have issued an appeal after receiving complaints from farmers that their cows are being stolen during the night.

    Apparently they are looking for a man with a big moo-stash.

    (Sorry..........)

  23. #83
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    Re: Joke of the day

    After an anonymous tip off to Police,
    a raid on an aluminium factory has been foiled.

  24. #84
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Guess who I bumped into in Specsavers?




    Everyone...

  25. #85
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Ed Milliband.

  26. #86
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

    She says that it makes her sleepy and her bum sore.

  27. #87
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    Re: Joke of the day

    The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

    Susie says, "We need a computer"

    Wendy says, "We need a car"

    Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

    Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

    "No Miss, my sister came home with her new veggie boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"

  28. #88
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    Re: Joke of the day

    After yesterday Ed Miliband.............

    lazy

  29. #89
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by bobt View Post
    The teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"

    Susie says, "We need a computer"

    Wendy says, "We need a car"

    Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss"

    Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"

    "No Miss, my sister came home with her new veggie boyfriend and my Dad said 'That's all we f---ing need!'"
    Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it.

    One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you 5 I can guess what color your underwear is."
    She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But beforeclass ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her knickers.
    After class is over and the students have gone, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue."
    "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.
    "Well come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money."
    She follows him out and when they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

    His dad exclaims: "The little bu**er! He bet me 20 this morning that he'd see your p***y before the end of the day!"

  30. #90
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    Re: Joke of the day

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTUcf7rLPRU


    You gotta see it to the ind

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