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Thread: Joke of the day

  1. #121
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Great recipe for the Xmas chook ..



    Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcornas a stuffing -- imagine that!
    When I found this recipe, I thought it
    was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell whenpoultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out.
    Give this a try.


    1 chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing (of your choice)
    1 cup uncooked popcorn
    Salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 200 degrees.
    Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.
    Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
    Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
    Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the
    table, it's done and ready to eat.

    And you thought I couldn't cook .....

  2. #122
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by MickMoor View Post
    London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
    He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
    LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
    He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

    Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
    London Lawyer says, "What for?"
    Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
    London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
    Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please"
    London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
    Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
    London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
    Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
    The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
    The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says,

    "Now, Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
    You got a You Tube link for that? Would have millions of hits! :-D:-D:-D:-D

  3. #123
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Went into a pub
    Eat a ploughmans lunch

    he was LIVID


  4. #124
    Senior Member wr.'s Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    What's the difference between a Welsh wedding and a Welsh funeral?



    One less to get drunk.
    Don't itch for something if you're not prepared to scratch for it.

  5. #125
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    Re: Joke of the day

    There was a 3 foot 3 inch high dwarf beating at our door this afternoon, I opened the door and asked who he thought he was.......







    "The Metre Man" came the reply!

  6. #126
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    Re: Joke of the day

    bloke sitting on a bus , just behind the driver keeps spitting and muttering , bloody driver . he does this all the way to the final stop at the bus station, the bus driver pulls up and turns round to the passenger and asks "whats wrong with my driving?"
    the passenger replies " its not you mate , its what happened earlier on . i was walking along the street when a bloke in a great big bentley pulls up and starts to reverse into a tiny parking space you would struggle to park a mini.. i shouted to him i will suck your **** if you can park in that space,...

    bloody driver!

  7. #127
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    Re: Joke of the day

    First Christmas Joke

    Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

    'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

    The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

    'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

    The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

    Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

    The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

    St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


    The paddy replied,
    'These are Carols.'

    And So The Christmas Season Begins......

  8. #128
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    Re: Joke of the day

    An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Moose Jaw for a shave and a haircut.

    He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are
    wrinkled from age.


    The barber gets a small wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

    When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that was the cleanest shave he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little wooden ball.

    The barber replied, “Well, I would have told you to bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

  9. #129
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    Re: Joke of the day

    I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

  10. #130
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Philosophical thought for the day –

    “If a man speaks out in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?!
    Silos, tanks, - and much more! www.mickmoor.co.uk

  11. #131
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    Re: Joke of the day

    As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
    When I got fired, you were there to support me.
    When my the farm failed, you were there.
    When I got shot, you were by my side.
    When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
    When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
    You know what Martha?"
    "What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.








    "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck."

  12. #132
    Senior Member ladycrofter's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by MickMoor View Post
    Philosophical thought for the day –

    “If a man speaks out in a forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?!
    classic

  13. #133
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her Mom that she thinks she is pregnant. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is in fact pregnant.





    Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Mercedes stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and wearing a yarmulke steps out of the car and enters the house.





    He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.





    "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a condo in Miami , and a $1,000,000 bank account."

    "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a $25,000,000 bank account."





    "However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not sure what to do. What do you suggest?



    All silent at this point, the mother, placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "So, you'll try again."

  14. #134
    Senior Member LALANS's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'

  15. #135
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by LALANS View Post
    Horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'
    First heard that on a rugby tour 15 years ago from a Scotsman on the bus back from Cornwall, at the time it was hysterical but I was pissed!

  16. #136
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by LALANS View Post
    Horse walks into a bar. The barman says 'why the long face?'
    Horse walks into a bar, the barman says "sorry we don't serve food in here" (this joke is brought to you by TESCO)

  17. #137
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by topground View Post
    First heard that on a rugby tour 15 years ago from a Scotsman on the bus back from Cornwall, at the time it was hysterical but I was pissed!
    Only 15 years ago?

    The horse would be using a zimmer even then

  18. #138
    Junior Member MR NODDY's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    The geography of a woman: between the ages of 16 and 18 a woman is like China. Developing fast with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.
    Between the ages of 18 and 21 a woman is like Africa. She's half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful.

    Between the ages of 21 and 30 a woman is like America. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries
    with cash or cars.

    Between the ages of 30 and 40, she's like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of it's own beauty.

    Between the ages of 40 and 50 she's like Iraq. She's lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

    Between the ages of 50 and 60 she's like Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate
    keeps people away.

    Between the ages of 60 and 70 a woman is like Mongolia. With a glorious and all-conquering past but alas no future.

    After 70 they become Albania. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

  19. #139
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in the Highlands.

    She said that since early this morning the snow has been falling and is

    nearly waist high and still coming down.

    The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is

    increasing to near gale force.

    She says her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen

    window and just stare.










    She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken

    bastard in.

  20. #140
    Senior Member Fifer's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

    Is that a trick question??

  21. #141
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    Re: Joke of the day

    In dog beers, I've only had one...

  22. #142
    Senior Member b slicker's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A 'friend' went to Beijing and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.










    Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it

  23. #143
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by b slicker View Post
    A 'friend' went to Beijing and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.










    Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

    Getting There:
    Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

    The Hotel:
    This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

    The Restaurant:
    Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

    Your Room:
    Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

    Bed
    Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

    Above All:
    When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it
    I actually cried laughing reading this out loud to my wife!! Excellent!

  24. #144
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Baby J hospital admits errors
    A Jewish woman has complained about a series of blunders by hospital staff after she was forced to give birth in squalor.
    Bethlehem NHS Trust apologised after the heavily pregnant woman was sent to an “overflow maternity unit” because all the hospital beds were occupied.
    The trust issued an apology acknowledging that the temporary unit attached to a local pub was “totally unsuitable”.
    The woman, identified only as “Mary”, said: “It was unbelievable. After waiting hours for an ambulance that never came, my husband had to take me himself on a donkey. When we arrived the staff said there was no room and that I would have to make do with one of the outbuildings, which was dirty and cold. I didn’t even get proper bedding.”
    Shortly after giving birth, Mary was subjected to a further ordeal when three bearded strangers turned up bearing gifts for her newborn son and demanding to “adore” him.
    “They said they were kings, they were strangely dressed and one of them smelt strongly of frankincense. It was terrifying. When they were joined by a group of local farm workers it was the last straw,” Mary said.
    Three males of oriental appearance and several shepherds were later taken into custody by police. The hospital said it had launched an urgent review of security.
    Meanwhile, wider questions have been raised about standards of care at Bethlehem after leaked reports of higher than average mortality rates at the maternity unit.
    Hospital chief executive Graham Herod-King is under pressure to resign following allegations that he tried to cover up the problem.
    Just days earlier a hospital inspection concluded that Herod-King’s management was “exemplary”. CQC inspectors praised the chief executive, calling him a “slightly cruel but very effective leader”.
    Staff at Bethlehem maintain that the hospital has been unfairly singled out for criticism and question Mary’s version of events. One nurse hinted at mental health problems.
    “Her story doesn’t ring true,” she said. “For a start, Mary claims that she was still a virgin at the time of the birth and we can’t find any medical records for her or her husband. She also upset some of the other mums by bragging that she had given birth to the Son of God and insisting that they bow down before him.
    “We always get people like this turning up at our busiest times. It’s the same every Christmas.”
    Silos, tanks, - and much more! www.mickmoor.co.uk

  25. #145
    Senior Member Mog's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!

  26. #146
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    Re: Joke of the day


    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I th...en said, 'Is that your final answer?' ... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started... ________________________________ I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... _____________________________ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started... ________________________________ When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp. _____________________________ My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started... ________________________________ Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started... _______________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started...... ______________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started... ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........ ________________________________ I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started. ________________________________ One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.See more

  27. #147
    Senior Member Scruffy Dug's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Sad news from the Croydon Nestlé factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.

    He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!', people just cheered.....

  28. #148
    Senior Member Scruffy Dug's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Happily, I've managed to keep my arrest out of the papers but I bumped into Lenny Henry the other night, so I asked him what he was doing in this neck of the woods.
    "I'm starting my UK tour in Inverness" he replied
    "You'll only be gigging in towns with a Premier Inn, I take it?" I quipped.
    He fixed me with hard stare and said "Are you trying to be funny mate?"
    "Well, I feel one of us should make the effort......." I said.

    And that's when the fight started......

  29. #149
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    Re: Joke of the day

    Quote Originally Posted by Mog View Post
    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!
    Would need to be a big badge.


  30. #150
    Senior Member ladycrofter's Avatar
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    Re: Joke of the day



    However, I am noticing that the shadows do not go in the same direction for the man and the beast Possibly some work from Kim Jong-il's Graphic Design department?

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